Attachment Styles
Have you ever felt like there are people in your life that avoid you, or maybe the opposite, cling to you? Maybe you yourself notice that you often avoid in relationships, or maybe you fear they will end and hold on for dear life. This could be explained by attachment styles.
Attachment began with child development, Bowlby was the first to develop this theory. He believed that humans need more than just food and water, they need attachment. Kids that felt secure with their caregiver thrived. The four types are secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious/avoidant.
NPR crushed the run down on the science. You can find that here.
Secure attachment feels exactly like it sounds, you’re not worried when people leave, it’s sad, but hey, they always come back so it’s ok. These are the attachments we strive for, that safe but differentiated relationship. Where you and I can be ourselves, but the space between us is safe, I feel safe near you and when you’re away.
The anxious attachment might feel like a hyperawareness to your partner. These people also tend to have a really high sensitivity for danger, fear, they are making a list of a,b,c,d,e…. In the attachment it’s
Avoidant attachment style is much like it sounds. These people might want closeness but feel pretty uncomfortable with it. In babies, it looks like a kiddo who doesn’t care when their attachment figure, their caregiver leaves the room.
Anxious/Avoidant is also sometimes called disorganized. This might be when you don’t know what to think! This can feel really fear-inducing, can I trust these people or not, what do I do. This attachment style can ocellate. You might be hot then cold because you just don’t know what to think!
The best part about attachment is that though it’s formed when you’re young, it’s never actually over. You can find and interrupt patterns of being around people in your life that create that disorganized pattern, you can work on finding those secure people in life to balance your attachment.
The other great thing about this is knowing these styles about people, you can relate better. If someone has an anxious attachment, avoiding and ignoring them will not, I repeat, will NOT. make it better. On the flip side, avoidant style the harder you pursue, the harder they will distance.
The takeaway here is that we are all a compilation of our life experiences. We’ve related to people in all sorts of ways that have informed our own attachment. It’s never too late to change, learn and improve your quality of life with attachment.